maybe i am gay?

Back in May I signed up for online dating site OK Cupid. It is a free site that matches you with people from your area based on a questionnaire you fill out. There's hundreds of questions and you can choose to answer as many as you want. The more you answer the more accurate of matches they will find for you. Based on your answers you give, you were given a percentage to each girl on the entire website. Thousands of matches ranked so you could sort through them easier.  (I actually got along better with girls who were considered my enemy.) The rankings made it easier initially for someone like me to browse through different profiles and start conversations. Oddly enough I thought it more awkward to engage someone over the internet then I would outside somewhere. I think because the whole concept of online dating has been stigmatized for so long. Made me feel desperate to be on such a thing. Like a dirty fucking middle aged man who smelled like pizza box grease and cigar smoke, and possibly turtle shit cuz I figure dirty middle aged men don't take the time to clean their turtle's tanks.

Once I got over the fact that I am a dirty, middle aged asshole searching for love on an online dating site I began conversing with some women. I don't have a façade which apparently the men and women on this site do. And that is ok because you gotta protect yourself against the unknown. You never know what is festering on the other side of that screen. Could be some pungent asshole, sweating up a storm on a pull out sofa in a room full of old Playboys and stuffed animals that he stole from some underprivileged children's charity carnival. I guess I'm too foolish to fear? Plus I am too well versed in bullshit to wanna play games any more. I won't bore you with the back and forth nonsense I had with anybody. I was plenty bored myself and I would never do that to any of you. They're all the same!
Even the girls who tried to be "different" were the same. All the profiles more generic than the last. Apparently every girl in the Boston area likes hiking, traveling, yoga , a glass of red wine and good friends to enjoy it with. They all are serious about their careers but aren't afraid to let their hair down and a have some fun when needed. All of them have pictures of themselves doing this yoga pose on a random beach somewhere. Fucking all of them! and if not on a beach, some random cliff in Spain.

Their profiles took me back to when I was a manager at Starbucks and would go through piles of job applications. Everyone wanted to work there for "the atmosphere". They all wore glasses and had fancy pea coats and scarves. Even in summer. They were all extremely intelligent. Just no substance or depth. Even their reticence was feigned. This is who I was matched up with though. 90% match or higher. 

I met a couple of them. The first girl was tall, salt and pepper hair, she liked hiking and yoga and working to make the world a better place through her "art". I felt so out of place. Because I don't really fit into any category I think I can confuse people. We shared similar ideas, perspectives and interests but I still felt miles away from her. If you interact with me online about politics, social issues, music and then we meet in person you will think that my "look" is opposite of all the aforementioned. I look like a skinhead who will pummel an old lady for her graham crackers. I think that the tall, salt and pepper haired girl got that impression despite my calm and out going demeanor. And my neurosis caught that vibe from her right away and immediately shut my feelings down for the remainder of our walk.

The other girl I met was one of those girls who takes "selfies" from a deceptive angle as to hide certain aspects of their face and body. I personally don't care if a girl is chubby so long as she's fucking awesome. I put photos of me on their so a person could see me in the proper light. I am far from a physical fucking marvel and would never expect a girl to be that either. Just be comfortable in your body, no matter the shape. Unless you have scoliosis then I feel real bad for you. 

This second girl was late, she was boring, and she dressed awful. She told me she was a stand up comic but she wasn't funny at all.  Her jacket was too small. That set me off. I shouldn't be able to see your forearms while you're wearing a jacket. Even Popeye had better fashion sense. Oh, the final kicker that sealed me not contact her again: She never thanked our waitress!

I talked to a few other girls after this. Exchanged texts but nothing further. I really have no patience. Even the girls who claimed to be "different" were all the same. Dark senses of humor, loved tattoos blah blah fucking blah you're all the fucking same. I had to give up. I felt like I was staring at the New York Stock Exchange ticker at the bottom of the screen on CNBC. My eyes hated me.

And that concluded my online dating experience. I deactivated my account. I gave it an earnest try. It's not that I'm not ready, or that I have baggage. I have a back pack with a green bandana, that's it. I have too many quirks and no definable words for what I see and feel in the mirror. I know who I am, but I guess I'm more selective than I thought in who I want knowing who I am. Maybe because 99% of friends are all amazing women above and beyond the word? Maybe I'm gay? Somewhere there's gotta be another kaleidoscope out there. Not wearing a ring of course ;)

Fuck. Your. Scene.

I am not big into groups. Any kind. I don't care for group mentality. Its not that i am antisocial, its just i don't like the pretentiousness surrounding "scenes". I don't wanna be subscribed to just one set of ideas. I don't want to pigeon hole myself into a certain "look". I like bits and pieces of many things. But i will never be apart of YOUR scene. I will never talk, act, think, dress, smell, walk, eat, piss, shit, fuck, hold a phone, drive a car, drink a beer like you want me to. Everything is conditional. If you have to scruff up your outfit just to look like you don't care before you go out then i hate you. I call this piece : FUCK. YOUR. SCENE!

Fuck your scene. I have tattoos but im not a biker or an MMA fighter. Im not a punk rocker or a head banger. I don't hang out in cambridge, allston or somerville with a winter hat in july. I don't hang out there at all. Because scenesters ruined it. My head is shaved but im not a skin head.  I have been a barista since 1997 but i dont wear corduroys and i think Bon Ivor is a douche. I like coffee. that is all.
Bacon is good but telling everyone you like bacon ( or that you don't like bacon because you are a vegan and how everyone should be a vegan blah blah blah suck my balls.) 600 times a day makes me hate you. and if you eat bacon and say "nom nom nom" i am going to choke your family to death with the scarf you are wearing even though it's 91 degrees out. Then i am going to take your bacon and give it to some homeless dude in a dusty army coat. He got his for fighting a war. You hipster losers had to go to a thrift shop Brookline for yours.

Fuck vintage stuff. appreciate it when you have it so you arent spending fuck loads to get it 40yrs after the fact. Tom Waits sucks, he fucking sucks. His voice is trash and his piano playing is slightly below that of Alicia Keyes and she's a fucking abortion to the ear drums.
If you can't fix the cause staring back at you in the mirror than you need to shut up about other causes. Stupid hippy assholes. YES, i care about the dolphins in japan. I care about cannabis being made legal, i care about free speech  and i care about getting the chemicals out of our food. BUUUUUUUT ,  i can't really give a nut hair about those things so long as their are people in my country starving, homeless and in dire need of health care. I would like to be able to give a shit about some earthquake in an over populated 3rd world country but i cant. Because right now thousands of children in my own state are going to sleep hungry. Thousands of women in my state have no wear to bring themselves or their kids because the dad either ran off or beat them. I can't care about some fat college kids right to smoke a joint in his dorm room when there is not enough money to help single working mothers and fathers. Not enough new books in schools and people forced to sell their cars and homes to pay for medical bills because our government allows health care companies to rape us and then send a huge bill after. So fuck your empty causes and your scene!! when the real problems right infront of us are solved i will be the first in line to punch a japanese fisherman in the face for killing dolphins.

My name is Dan. and i don't look to others so i can belong. I love hip hop, R&B, Rock and roll, Hamburgers, clothes that are comfortable, sneakers made in sweatshops, animals, not having to to dry my hair. I am not democrat, republican, liberal, conservative, moderate, slightly moderate,  medium rare or well done. I think for me. I wear fucking leopard speedos underneath jeans that fit and i like to rub my nipples with popsicles. fuck your scene! I am people!

Viewer Mail.

Hello. This weeks of edition of Ceiling Cat is the Viewer Mail Edition. This is where YOU the reader, send me questions and i give you my findings based on my astute observations. I see things that others don't. It's a gift. Once i month i field your questions about everything and anything. So message me at the dead rivers facebook site and i will be sure to include your answer in my next Viewer Mail installment. Anyways on to the questions........
Our first question comes from Randolph Masterson of Spokane Washington, and he asks. "ceiling cat, why do people hate Barack Obama so much?" 
Great question Randolph! Basically, from my viewpoint ( a ceiling ) people don't like president Obama because he is black! That is their biggest reason. He has flaws and hasn't followed through on some things but for the most part he is met with resistance by the opposition because of his skin color. Even the greatest hitter in the history of baseball couldn't win a world series on his own. And that is why Ted Williams has no rings. It takes a team effort working towards a common goal to succeed. Unfortunately the common goal of Barack Obama's opponents is to get rid of him at all cost and make more money for themselves. They also don't like him because of his name. It sounds like someone who would suicide bomb an Israeli disco or have a tribal ritual where he eats a human heart to appease his god. i DON'T like him because he is a chicken shit.
I wanted Hillary and still wish she would run this year. I would also like to dry hump the leg of a mahogany coffee table, but we can't always get what we want. Which is why Obama will win this year. And i'm not afraid of his name. Bush,  now that name scared me! When i think Bush i think of a thorny nest covered in bugs. And vaginas too. I like vaginas but i don't like having to use a machete and a GPS to get to them. I hope that answers your question Randolph.
This next question comes Olivia Overton of Cheyenne Wyoming, and she asks...." ceiling cat, do you have any good salsa recipes? I'm trying to make new meals for me and my boyfriend and i was thinking Mexican to spice things up, lol"
Before i answer Olivia, NEVER  type "LOL" to me. EVER. Firstly because your pun wasn't funny and also no one actually laughs out loud and then types it. I would probably leave you if i were your boyfriend and you continued to "LOL" at things. But, i am a caring feline and i want to help you. I will give you a recipe that has been in my family since the Great Depression. ( the DMX album, not that shitty time in the 1930's.) First you want to go out and purchase heirloom tomatoes. Only fucking heirloom do not be cheap and by that lousy vine shit because Shaws has a special. If you really love your boyfriend buy the good fucking tomatoes! Once purchased i recommend fresh picked jalepenos ( on the softer side for more spice). Cilantro is optional as some people feel it tastes like soap, but it compliments the sweet and spiciness of the salsa. You will also need one large red onion, 5-8 fresh limes a little salt and some corn. It can be frozen corn but defrost it first. Are you writing this down Olivia, or you are watching the weather on Channel 5 right now? Cut it out and pay attention, i'm trying to get you laid!
So you've gathered your ingredients. Get a big metal mixing bowl and a cutting board. Cut 3 tomatoes till they are dime sized.   Dice 3-5 jalepenos depending on your spice preference. Followed by the red onion. You will want to use the entire onion as it should make up 3-4 servings once the salsa is complete. Chop your cilantro next but make sure you rip the stems out first. That is VERY important. Add about 1/4 cup to the bowl. Add a half a cup of defrosted corn.  Cut up your limes and squeeze them dry over the salsa. Top it off with a table spoon of salt and or sugar and mix what's in your bowl. Give a quick taste test and add more stuff if need be. If you follow these steps correctly, Olivia your boyfriend is sure to give you good sex later that night. I hope i was a good help.
And finally, a question from little William Pembroke of Helena Montana.... he asks ." ceiling cat, is my daddy in heaven?"
William, that question is easy to answer as i see so much from my ceiling panel above the universe. NO! you're dad is not in heaven little William! You're dad was a bad man. He had an ice cream truck that played really cool songs but there was never any ice cream! Little League teams in counties all across the country are in group therapy because of this man. He killed puppies too and i once witnessed him passed out on a dirty mattress covered in hot fudge while obese women with teddy bear masks licked it off him. I know this a lot to hear all at once little William but take solace in knowing that when he died it was very painful and when he asked the aborigine tribe for mercy they just laughed and jumped rope with his entrails.

Well, that is all for this month's edition of Viewer Mail. As you can see i am versed in a number of different subjects and will answer any question. To be considered for next months Viewer Mail please send a message with your name and question to the inbox at the dead rivers facebook page. gooood bye!

through my beady cat eyes.

I am a cat. I have no filter. I don't need a filter because i am a cat. I can just meow whatever the fuck i please. And i have every right to because some of you are complete and utter fucking morons. I will touch on a few subjects in this editorial as i shall in others to follow. Dan gave me this outlet to say what i please. To say things he's even afraid to say. Well unlike Dan, i'm not a vag and im gonna lay it out for you plain and simple.
I sit and watch from my fucking ceiling and i get flat out pissed off at how you behave. Dan went soft when that drunk injun chick broke his heart. He used to be fucking fierce, i had alot of respect for him but i am fucking fierce.  So let me hit a couple topics . things that piss me and all other cats the fuck off.
the internet: What the fuck is wrong with people?! go the fuck outside! You expect me to believe that all those people on facebook or twitter or whatever the fuck other network site you use to ignore people in real life are your friends?! you think that because you write a comment on a persons web page that makes you a friend? its just a further separation from humanity and you fucks are falling for it. How many of you would actually step out side your homes and meet one of your " friends" for a beer of coffee?  Dan won't ever admit it, but he doesn't give two shits if someone likes his status or photo. Dan cares about human interaction. But he is falling into the trap of believing that words and pictures on a screen are his friends.  I will say that the internet is great for connecting with people from afar. I laugh at the notion that there are wonderful People around the country and world  ( Australia ) who would actually make an effort to connect in a human way before someone that lives 10 minutes from where i am. People ive known for years that use facebook as a way to patronize you. a way to ignore you passive aggressively. I guess the ones who are closest to you geographically are the one's furthest from being your real friend.
These are the type of things i think about when i lick my balls and then eat my organic wellness cat treats. Im have some great feline pals close by so that wasn't directed at everyone. But here is something directed at everyone though: STOP BEING RACIST AGAINST IMMIGRANTS!!! i can understand it sucks when i go to the pet store to order my special odor free litter and the fat dominican chick at the register has no fucking idea what im saying. i can see how that pisses someone off. Especially because the bitch has more whiskers on her face than me and i wanna claw her fucking eyes out. BUUUUUT , she is working and contributing to society so leave her alone! Give her a razor and some shaving cream , but leave her alone! Here is a quick solution to shut everyone up. If someone comes to the country they have 1 year to learn the language or its ADIOS! that is sufficient time. Problem solved. Ceiling cat knows his shit. im gonna lick my balls and type at the same time cuz im fucking good like that.
As far as the human race as a whole. Gotta get rid of some of you. Sterilize all drug addicts, force stupid people to abort and flat out kill anyone with an IQ below 100. Also kill anyone who is intolerant. Religion is such a poison on you humans. Our cats dont kill each other of dumb shit. I dont care if felix from across the way is having gay sex with a tabby. he's gettin' his nut on so who gives a fuck!! And if garfield wants to eat bacon, fucking let him and shut up!! Be good for the sake of being good. And be extra good when you want food. Follow all these things and the human race might have hope. Otherwise you are fucked and me and my cat pals are gonna take over.
That is all for now. Heed this fucking message. Live life with no fear. if you wanna get 100 abortions, get 100 abortions. Just know that you will die of cervical cancer and no one will care. If you see someone hating another based on color or where their sticking their nuts you must beat them severely. i observe so much from my ceiling and i will continue to do so. and i will continue to give you the harsh fucking reality as i see it.

Ceiling Cat's observation and summation on Healthcare.

Hello, I am Mr. Ceiling Cat. A visitor from a distant land. I will watch and observe the human race over long periods and then give a full assessment of my findings. Well, i have been up here in this lovely ceiling with my fancy feast, wood chip litter box and a nice soft pillow. And i've been paying attention to this whole "healthcare" thing going on in America. I have looked but not spoken. I make no judgement. I just tell what i see. So after many many many months i am here to deliver to you my thoughts on healthcare. ( NONE OF THIS APPLIES TO CHILDREN. THEY DESERVE A FREE RIDE NO QUESTIONS ASKED.)

First , if healthcare we free to all legal citizens you wouldn't be in this mess.But since humans are too corrupt and selfish it will never happen. So i will speak of it in regards to it being for sale. It shouldn't be forced on you by a government under a penalty. Infact, people who are healthy and don't require medical attention should get a reduced rate or a rebate at the end of the year. Similar to what car insurance companies do if your record remains clean. On a side note, you are forced to pay for car insurance and no one screamed "socialism". So shut the fuck up with that arguments about healthcare. You just disagree with the presidents policy because he's black. You wanna call him a Nigger so fucking bad. You hate the idea that he's your president because you hate black people. You are a racist fucking species. Us cats arent racist. i dont give a fuck what color another cats fur is. If she's in heat, im fuckin' her! You assholes have alot to learn.
Ok,back to healthcare. You stay healthy, you pay less. Its an incentive. I dont think you should be penalized for being sick either but the bottom line is: more than 2/3 of doctors visits are YOUR FUCKING FAULT! self inflicted illness. If you have heart disease because you're fucking fat and don't exercise. It's your fault! if you have diabetes because you cant put a goddamn donut down, its your fault! If you smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day and get lung cancer Ceiling Cat gives no fuck! Youre liver turns to shit cuz you drink then FUCK YOU! your fault.
Healthcare wouldn't cost so much if people themselves took preventive measures!!!!!!
Start with a healthy diet. If you are predisposed to high cholesterol or blood pressure than EAT HEALTHY!! you won't have to go to the doctors every ten minutes because you have no self control and couldn't survive an hour without a bucket of fucking fried chicken.
Exercise! stretch out in the morning, eat a goddamn yogurt and some fresh fruit for breakfast. Dont stuff your face with pancakes and butter! Your poor life chooses are such a huge factor in your health. Take some vitamins! So much of what sends you to the doctors, and ER can prevented if you just gave a shit. took a couple minutes to think about the poisons you put in your body whether it be food, drugs, booze or cigarettes.
Your species problem is that you literally want your cake and eat it. Your are greedy and FAT!
Basically, the whole debate is stupid. The government needs to get the fuck out. The doctors need to get their power back from the pharma' companies and the people. You idiots need to fucking educate yourselves on how to live healthy. Because as i said, you are all too selfish to ever have a universal healthcare system. Costs would go down if people werent fat, drug addicted, lazy pieces of shit. There would be more time to spend curing cancer if doctors didnt have to cut your fucking feet off because you wouldnt put that the goddamn twinkies the first time you were warned. Take care of yourselves. seriously. Healthcare should be affordable for all and if the rich men in suits can't figure it out, you humans can try by living healthy :)
Wash your fucking hands after you piss. Wipe your pisshole. Im a cat, i'm always licking myself clean!
if i weren't a healthy cat i would say that YOU people make me sick!

Observation 3: he just walked away

Fighting his demons he obtained many scars. Scars of victory. Fighting his enemies he triumphed. All he knew was fighting. Fighting the voices, the anger, the anxiety. Fighting the inevitable. The rewards always worth it. Always believing it was over and then another fight. After many lesson learned he tried and tried to do the right thing. To be the better, stronger person he knew he could be. Life kept wearing him down but he hung on. He swung bag, even if he didnt connect. He wanted the world to know he didnt have any quit in him.
Many times there would be several opponents surrounding, closing in and attacking at once. He couldnt breathe, see, think or act rational. He did what he could to survive. He did what he needed and limped away with bruises, lesions and burn marks on his soul. He tried everything. Prayer, meditation, excersize, forgiveness. Still he was struck down. He kept moving forward, against the wind. against the grain.
I saw him today. tired, morose, sullen. defeated. he made the mistake of looking up. He finally saw that there was no end. He should have kept his head down and kept pushing adversity. The look of despair was foreign. lost, dead inside. He picked up some dirt and let it run through his fingers. He turned and watched it disappear into the air. He then did the same. He just walked away. Never to be seen again.

observation 2: I'm Tired.

I see alot. i see good, bad, love and hate. Ive seen so much that i no longer wish to look. I wish my memory to be wiped clean. Ive witness lies, deceit, slander, abuse, neglect. Ive witnessed caring, patience, hope and acceptance. But i'm tired. Tired of everything.

I'm tired of answering for myself, im tired of answering to you. Im tired of being the bigger person. i'm tired of being the antagonist too. I wanna go away so i no longer have to see the world. i dont wanna be apart of it. Im tired of politics, debates, conspiracy theorys and finger pointing. Im tired of everyone categorizing others. Tired of people making rules to prevent you from living and loving as you choose. Im tired of taking the blame for things ive never done. Tired of owning up when i screw up. Tired of what people think of me. Tired of the misconceptions, the accuracies, the blunders and fallacies. Im just so fucking tired.
Tired of waking up. Tired of trying to live up to an expectation. Tired of not achieving my potential. Tired of the scrutiny, judgment and apathy that follows. Im tired of fighting. tired of caring. Tired of being left out. Im tired of my words falling on deaf ears. Im tired of petty lies, brutal honesty. Tired of people getting their priorities all wrong. Tired of being the joke. Tired of telling the joke.
Im tired of stagnation. Tired of being everyones punching bag because they dont like what they see in the mirror. Im tired of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Im just so fucking tired. I dont wanna look, i dont wanna watch anymore. If there were anything left in me i'd let the vultures have it, because ive had it. I'm tired and i give up. Youre on your own.