maybe i am gay?

Back in May I signed up for online dating site OK Cupid. It is a free site that matches you with people from your area based on a questionnaire you fill out. There's hundreds of questions and you can choose to answer as many as you want. The more you answer the more accurate of matches they will find for you. Based on your answers you give, you were given a percentage to each girl on the entire website. Thousands of matches ranked so you could sort through them easier.  (I actually got along better with girls who were considered my enemy.) The rankings made it easier initially for someone like me to browse through different profiles and start conversations. Oddly enough I thought it more awkward to engage someone over the internet then I would outside somewhere. I think because the whole concept of online dating has been stigmatized for so long. Made me feel desperate to be on such a thing. Like a dirty fucking middle aged man who smelled like pizza box grease and cigar smoke, and possibly turtle shit cuz I figure dirty middle aged men don't take the time to clean their turtle's tanks.

Once I got over the fact that I am a dirty, middle aged asshole searching for love on an online dating site I began conversing with some women. I don't have a façade which apparently the men and women on this site do. And that is ok because you gotta protect yourself against the unknown. You never know what is festering on the other side of that screen. Could be some pungent asshole, sweating up a storm on a pull out sofa in a room full of old Playboys and stuffed animals that he stole from some underprivileged children's charity carnival. I guess I'm too foolish to fear? Plus I am too well versed in bullshit to wanna play games any more. I won't bore you with the back and forth nonsense I had with anybody. I was plenty bored myself and I would never do that to any of you. They're all the same!
Even the girls who tried to be "different" were the same. All the profiles more generic than the last. Apparently every girl in the Boston area likes hiking, traveling, yoga , a glass of red wine and good friends to enjoy it with. They all are serious about their careers but aren't afraid to let their hair down and a have some fun when needed. All of them have pictures of themselves doing this yoga pose on a random beach somewhere. Fucking all of them! and if not on a beach, some random cliff in Spain.

Their profiles took me back to when I was a manager at Starbucks and would go through piles of job applications. Everyone wanted to work there for "the atmosphere". They all wore glasses and had fancy pea coats and scarves. Even in summer. They were all extremely intelligent. Just no substance or depth. Even their reticence was feigned. This is who I was matched up with though. 90% match or higher. 

I met a couple of them. The first girl was tall, salt and pepper hair, she liked hiking and yoga and working to make the world a better place through her "art". I felt so out of place. Because I don't really fit into any category I think I can confuse people. We shared similar ideas, perspectives and interests but I still felt miles away from her. If you interact with me online about politics, social issues, music and then we meet in person you will think that my "look" is opposite of all the aforementioned. I look like a skinhead who will pummel an old lady for her graham crackers. I think that the tall, salt and pepper haired girl got that impression despite my calm and out going demeanor. And my neurosis caught that vibe from her right away and immediately shut my feelings down for the remainder of our walk.

The other girl I met was one of those girls who takes "selfies" from a deceptive angle as to hide certain aspects of their face and body. I personally don't care if a girl is chubby so long as she's fucking awesome. I put photos of me on their so a person could see me in the proper light. I am far from a physical fucking marvel and would never expect a girl to be that either. Just be comfortable in your body, no matter the shape. Unless you have scoliosis then I feel real bad for you. 

This second girl was late, she was boring, and she dressed awful. She told me she was a stand up comic but she wasn't funny at all.  Her jacket was too small. That set me off. I shouldn't be able to see your forearms while you're wearing a jacket. Even Popeye had better fashion sense. Oh, the final kicker that sealed me not contact her again: She never thanked our waitress!

I talked to a few other girls after this. Exchanged texts but nothing further. I really have no patience. Even the girls who claimed to be "different" were all the same. Dark senses of humor, loved tattoos blah blah fucking blah you're all the fucking same. I had to give up. I felt like I was staring at the New York Stock Exchange ticker at the bottom of the screen on CNBC. My eyes hated me.

And that concluded my online dating experience. I deactivated my account. I gave it an earnest try. It's not that I'm not ready, or that I have baggage. I have a back pack with a green bandana, that's it. I have too many quirks and no definable words for what I see and feel in the mirror. I know who I am, but I guess I'm more selective than I thought in who I want knowing who I am. Maybe because 99% of friends are all amazing women above and beyond the word? Maybe I'm gay? Somewhere there's gotta be another kaleidoscope out there. Not wearing a ring of course ;)